Hi! Oh! So many days have flown since my last publishing. I needed to sort through some schedule snafus and my semi-annual bout of 30-hours of exhaustion (it happened Thursday/Friday of last week), and now I exist as super refreshed and ready to hustle! This post is about my birthday. And on my refusal to eat BIRTHDAY CAKE.
To the innocent eye, the fact of my NOT eating birthday cake might seem like a decision from a “bad food” / “high calorie” / “high fat” / “food naughtiness” perspective. I assure you, it is NOT. I eat glorious levels of high calorie, beautifully nourishing, fantastic things of real food such as nuts, seeds, grapes, etcetera. So why not cake?
For me? A 17-year FORMER disordered eater (1/2 year anorexia, 11.5 years bulimia, and another five years of chaos, total spanning years 1999 – 2016), I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses. And, for me? A delicious, fluffy, white-iced, raspberry-filled, maybe sprinkled with coconut (OMG) cake makes me want to put the pleasure into my mouth immediately, returning to the bakery and buying ten more cakes followed by a vomit session. This is what the prospect of eating cake tells my brain. And this is why I do not eat it.
This is why I am healthy.
Here we are, celebrating my divine thirty-fifth birthday.
I’m obsessed with railroad tracks, as Atlas Shrugged is the most amazing book on Earth, and the characters are involved with a railroad business. The pose that I am presenting is Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana. Half bound lotus stretching pose. It was quite the challenge to reach around the big BOOTS by Sorel!! Here is the pose, in its fullest form.
So what WAS my birthday cake? Of course I wanted something special and divine. Thus, like the bratty little girl that I can be (yes, I stomp my foot when I don’t get my way), I begged of my dear Becky to dust-off her dehydrator to create raw vegan Hawaiian kale chips. The recipe involves kale covered in a goop of macadamia nut, cashew nut, date, amino acid, nutritional yeast, and other things of which I cannot recall BECAUSE I SUCK IN THE KITCHEN. ;) Twenty hours of processing later, and we have this!!
There’s a dot in my teeth because I shoved one into my mouth before snapping the above picture. Ha ha ha ha. :)
Becky not only brought freaking fabulous Hawaiian kale chips, but she brought a DOG. And Cookie Monster party hats!!! :) :) :)
The man that I… hmm, how can we say it?… not the man that I date because I don’t “date,”… not the man with whom I hang out because that’s not a good enough label for him, and frankly, I don’t do labels… so let’s say, THE MAN THAT I WOULD TRUST WITH EVERYTHING, EVEN MY DOG, texted me, on the day before my birthday. It read as such:
Tomorrow I’m going to bring you a slice of vegan cake.
It’s your birthday.
Well. It will be.
And I replied with the following:
I thank you but shall not eat it. I have my food planned for the day. Vegan cake will make me want to eat 10 vegan cakes and throw it up. I appreciate your sentiment very much but it is not good for me.
Seriously. Who puts up with such rigidness? :) He does, accepting my reply, celebrating gorgeously on my terms, with martinis, and my dog. I am so grateful for his working around my what seems like idiosyncrasies to most, but is absolutely pertinent to my maintenance of good health.
Here I was, in 2013, three years sober from bulimia. Trying to figure out how to eat things like cake healthfully. Obviously struggling like a mother effer.
Here I am this morning. Existing in a vessel of happiness. NO CAKE. After 17 complete years of disordered eating.
Even my dear father said to me, when I showed at my parents’ house, on my birthday, to gift my mother with flowers thanking her for giving birth to me (I failed to order them, so I actually drove the distance!!)… He said, “If we’d have known that you were coming, we would have ventured to Whole Foods to buy a cake for you.” I replied, “Daddy, I am so appreciative of the sentiment, but I do not and shall not eat cake.” He was completely surprised as he, as do most “civilians,” think that simply because something is made with “good” ingredients that it is safe or healthy. That is not true. I then proceeded to explain the “eat-10-more-cakes-and-vomit-it” example as described above, and he basically was horrified to know that his daughter could do such a thing. Maybe horrified isn’t the right word. Saddened? Eating disorders are tough on parents! Just please know that if you’re struggling with an ED, you can’t eat cake (or whatever is your food vice) to please other people, even those whom you love.
My life is so happy and perfect! I’ve come to this place where my LIFE does not revolve around FOOD. Rather, I have impeccable perfect systems in place regarding FOOD so that I may LIVE my LIFE. Food is just a component of survival. It is not pleasure. It is not pain. I seek pleasure through other means. For so many people, food is pleasure. It is not pleasure for me, and it might NOT be pleasure for you. Thus, don’t make it a priority to make food a pleasure. Do what works for YOU.
And let them eat cake.
What’s your vice, and how do you manage it?